A few years ago, I talked with some fellow moms at my daughter’s school, and they shared two cringe-worthy but relatable stories about hosting their first Thanksgiving. 

One mom, let’s call her Molly, took off from work for the entire week before the big day. She committed to making every dish, deep-cleaned her house, and even hand-crafted place settings.

On Thanksgiving morning, she was thrilled: Everything was set and ready to go. Then Molly’s mom came into the kitchen and asked her for the gravy. The gravy?! She had totally forgotten. Because she felt so on edge from the past few days, she sobbed, convinced she ruined the meal. Of course, the meal was probably delicious and no one gave a second thought about the gravy. Or maybe they did and it’s still a family joke, but in the end, she survived. 

Another mom, let’s call her Jill, also made all of the dishes for her first Thanksgiving, including her husband’s favorites. At dinnertime, her mother-in-law showed up with the exact same dishes, assuming Jill wouldn’t get them right. Jill spent the day feeling deflated and insulted. I mean, who wouldn’t?!

Both of these women laughed when telling these stories, but they left me feeling kind of outraged about the pressure so many of us feel when hosting gatherings. 

On Letting Go of Hostess Neurosis

The first story reminds me of what author Gretchen Rubin calls “hostess neurosis.” It’s the “irritable, demanding frame of mind that descends when it's time to act as a hostess.” 

I can’t help but notice the term is distinctly gendered...host neuros isn’t a thing, is it? And that’s likely because most men don’t feel hosting anxiety because most men either aren’t responsible for a lot of the hosting duties or they don’t fear judgment if they fail. 

(Other things most men don’t seem to be judged for: Cluttered homes, rude children, forgetting to dress the baby in grandma’s gift, not sending thank you cards, and on and on it goes.)

I come from a family where hostess neurosis is definitely a thing. And while working at a food magazine was the best job ever, the professionally styled tables in the photos did not make me feel any less anxious about “entertaining,” aka having people over. 

At a certain point, I made a conscious decision to not let the bad energy of hostess neurosis affect a gathering. If you ever feel your own anxiety creeping in as you plan a party, here’s my advice: Try to ask yourself, “Where can I let go?” 

Do you actually need to vacuum under the couch cushions? Do you really need to make every dish? What’s a must versus a nice-to-have? 

Can you ask for help? If people offer to bring something, take advantage of that generosity and turn your gathering into a potluck if it will make it less stressful.  

Also, take a cue from one of Ina Garten’s favorite lines: “Store-bought is fine.” Will anyone know if you used store-bought pie crust? Will they care? Could you even just buy the pies? (I do!)

If you hate to cook but like to have people over, can you buy the whole meal? (I’m serious.)

Most people on Thanksgiving are happy to have a warm place to go. They’re not obsessing over the details as much as you are, so give yourself some grace. As for the family members who make cutting remarks, deep breaths, grasshopper. (And maybe try some CBD.)

On Letting Go of Our Own Judginess

The second story, of course, illustrates how the “not-enoughness” we sometimes feel isn’t just coming from within but from those who are supposed to love us. 

While we can’t control other people and their perceptions, we can decide if we believe them. 

We can also look at ourselves and how we treat others. Are we holding people to unrealistic standards and then treating them like they’re not good enough, even when they try? Are we assuming the worst about someone without giving them enough of a chance? Where can we let go of judgment, of others and ourselves? 

This Thanksgiving might be the first you’ve hosted in two years or maybe even ever. As we plan our menus and get our homes ready, let’s remember what the day is really about: gathering and giving thanks. Let’s not strive for Thanksgiving perfection. Instead, focus on making it good enough, which, when you think about it, will be perfect. 

P.S. If you’re worried about forgetting the gravy, make it—or buy it—in advance.

My Thanksgiving Menu

As a cook, I do love to take a few days to plan and realize a Thanksgiving feast. A styled table, however, I leave for the magazines. 

If cooking for two days straight is not your thing, no judgment here. But if you’re curious what I’m making, here it goes: 

Toasted Rosemary Pecans: From Thanksgiving through February, these nuts are always in heavy rotation. So easy. So buttery. So hard to stop eating. 

Oysters on the Half Shell: I’m not 100% certain we’ll get oysters but I’m thinking they’ll be a fun addition to the starting line-up this year. 

Apricot-Glazed Turkey with Fresh Herb Gravy: I’ve grilled, spatchcocked, and cooked turkey parts separately over the years. But I’m returning to this reliable recipe from a former coworker this year because it makes a juicy, tasty, good-looking bird. 

Cacio e Pepper Rösti: I love to cook a different potato dish every year. This healthy gratin, make-ahead mashed potatoes, and tartiflette are three winners. This year, I’m thinking rösti—a thick Swiss potato pancake—for two reasons. First are the golden crispy edges, and second, I can cook it entirely on the stovetop. 

Rustic Bread Stuffing with Swiss Chard and Chestnuts: I don’t always make stuffing but this recipe from my friend Justin Chapple includes three of my favorite things: dried porcini mushrooms, Swiss chard, and chestnuts, so it’s going on the menu.

A Crunchy Salad: Every Thanksgiving table needs a good crunchy salad to balance all the soft, carby food. I’m debating between this celery salad with dates and walnuts or this fennel and apple salad with hazelnuts. Ooo...or there’s this celery, fennel, and apple salad. Decisions, decisions.

Bonus: Spice-Roasted Vegetables with Pomegranate Seeds and Feta: If I’m not feeling overwhelmed, I’ll make some simple roasted veggies, but if it’s too much, I’ll let it go.

Pies from Factory Girl Bake Shop: My friend Kimberly makes amazing pies so I just leave that deliciousness to her. I also always get a loaf of her English muffin bread for leftover sandwiches with gravy mayo!